Hello.. Welcome to Life!
AutomaticJesse: i spent all day worrying about something
AutomaticJesse: an undisclosed matter
AutomaticJesse: and i was worrying all day
AutomaticJesse: and i walked outside a while ago to take donny
home and stubbed my toe on a rock in the dark
AutomaticJesse: a big rock
AutomaticJesse: like a decorative rock
AutomaticJesse: and it hit me that worrying about shit will not get you anywhere because you will stub your toe while worrying
Sooper Bretard: i've been worrying for liek months and I feel fucking stuck.. like life is damn rubber cement only i don't get the slippery cum affect. I jsut have dry rubbewr cement stuck to my feeet
AutomaticJesse: i looked at the sky yesterday and felt like a fish in a bowl
Sooper Bretard: i agree
AutomaticJesse: looking out
AutomaticJesse: like an ant in an ant farm
Sooper Bretard: i got stoned and looked at the sun set and realized I was REALLY small and insignificant and no one else in the world cares about me or my problems and I should stop my bitching
Sooper Bretard: but then that made me cry and I felt worse
AutomaticJesse: i was high as fuck!
AutomaticJesse: thuibnking the same thing
AutomaticJesse: why do we think that
AutomaticJesse: cuz its true?!
Sooper Bretard: yeah
Sooper Bretard: pretty muvh
Sooper Bretard: we are small.. and our place on earth doesn't matter unless we take the time to make it matter bc if someone dies.. who is really gonna be devistated?
Sooper Bretard: say.. Joe Blow dies in san diego, ca.. is Blow Joe in Milwaukee REALLY gonna give a shit unless Joe did something to affect his life?
Sooper Bretard: you know wthat i mean?
Sooper Bretard: i'm so full of shit though
AutomaticJesse: about what
AutomaticJesse: helping people
Sooper Bretard: No.. about all this shit I think about
Sooper Bretard: my mind is so complex and thinks so many things but I'm afraid to tell people cause I think they'll think I'm crazy or not understand me
Sooper Bretard: and I just feel.. weird
Sooper Bretard: i hate it
AutomaticJesse: me too!
Sooper Bretard: but I understand you.. mostly
Sooper Bretard: i just feel alone and small
Sooper Bretard: you know?
Sooper Bretard: i feel like I don't matter... like an organelle in 450lb. man
AutomaticJesse: like a being of random thought and having to live a life consisting of nothing but random important decisions
Sooper Bretard: i dun think you understand
AutomaticJesse: oh i do
AutomaticJesse: you havent a clue
Sooper Bretard: I just feel... useless and Brandon made me feel like I had a purpose
Sooper Bretard: That's another thing!
AutomaticJesse: im very aware of my mortality and utter un-importance
Sooper Bretard: I have all this "love" all bottled up inside of me and no one wants to give me the chance to love them. I can't share anything I do, or say or feel with anyone that will truly appreciate it. I want someone to want me to love them.. I don't even want to be loved in return anymore.. all their hugs and kisses and i love yous can be completely fake and I wouldn't give a shit! I'm ready to take another chance and to fall for osmeone completely dangerous for me. I want someone to want my love.. and to at least nod when I speak to them, and hold me when i cry, even if their actions and words are unsincere
Sooper Bretard: you are important to me jesse!
Sooper Bretard: you've made an impact on my life.. and I thank you for that
Sooper Bretard: yes really
AutomaticJesse: i think im just a nerd
AutomaticJesse: what have i done for you?
Sooper Bretard: you've shown me that there ARE nice guys when I had given up.. you showed me the beauty of clearwater beach when someone is just there to hold you in there arms, and you seem as though you listen to me whe nI talk.. that's important to me.. you helped me to care about someone other than myself and best of all.. you've been a friend (even if you won't come see me ;-))
Sooper Bretard: you're a wonderful person
AutomaticJesse: thanks :-[
Sooper Bretard: yw
Sooper Bretard: you prolly think I'm talking out my ass huh?
AutomaticJesse: not really
AutomaticJesse: i dont knowww
Sooper Bretard: I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to freak you out
AutomaticJesse: its ok sweetheart'
AutomaticJesse: i just dont feel like i do much of anything
AutomaticJesse: so im like ehhh
Sooper Bretard: But you do! You do so much and you don't even try
Sooper Bretard: that's the best part!
Sooper Bretard: you aregenuinely a WONDERFUL person
Sooper Bretard: and I love that about you
Sooper Bretard: you don't have to fake it
Sooper Bretard: and there are no fronts with you
Sooper Bretard: you are jesse.. and that is awesome
AutomaticJesse: im just confused about people in general
Sooper Bretard: see.. i cvonfused myself
Sooper Bretard: maybe I can buy a puppy
AutomaticJesse: and what their actual real drive is
Sooper Bretard: most is money
AutomaticJesse: what on earth is "real"
Sooper Bretard: i think mine is love
AutomaticJesse: its all temporary
Sooper Bretard: what's real... you can't touch it with your hands, or smell it or taste it.. probably not even see it
Sooper Bretard: it's something that's felt with your herat
Sooper Bretard: That's what's real
Sooper Bretard: which is the contrary of what people say is real
AutomaticJesse: humans are supposedly naturally good by nature
Sooper Bretard: but taht's what I think real is
AutomaticJesse: driven by "love"
AutomaticJesse: or what the feeling is
AutomaticJesse: and i know the feeling of holding someone and being like ":-)"
AutomaticJesse: and also ":-\"
AutomaticJesse: if ya catch my drift
Sooper Bretard: humans are good.. most at heart but there are no right or wrong choices just consequences to your decisions
Sooper Bretard: :o)
AutomaticJesse: thats exactly what i was thinking
AutomaticJesse: i think im in a search for a thought that no one has had
Sooper Bretard: I know the feeling of being with someone and feeling :-) :-D :'( and >:o all at the same time
Sooper Bretard: and it sucks.. I just wanna feel :-* and :-D with someone
AutomaticJesse: but that love thing is different than normal hugs
AutomaticJesse: and you can tell
AutomaticJesse: its weird
AutomaticJesse: the feeling
Sooper Bretard: i know.. and that's how I knew brandon didn't love me anymore
Sooper Bretard: his hugs and kisses
AutomaticJesse: then to have that person basically crumble your whole life to shit
Sooper Bretard: he used to hold me with his hugs and then all the sudden his hugs were lil pats on the back and his kisses were pecks where they used to be passionate omg so deeply in love kisses
Sooper Bretard: my whole life was shit for about 2 years
Sooper Bretard: and I'm ready to move on now.. In a way I want to be hurt again
Sooper Bretard: as weird as that sounds.. I wanna fall so hard for someone and just take chances
AutomaticJesse: i wanna take a fucking break
Sooper Bretard: i dunno
Sooper Bretard: i had my break
AutomaticJesse: from that stuff
Sooper Bretard: but I know where you're coming from
Sooper Bretard: but I'm so sick of having meaningless sex and being used
Sooper Bretard: I don't wanna be used anymor
Sooper Bretard: e
Sooper Bretard: I want someone to fucking... at least pretend to give a shit
Sooper Bretard: i don't give a shit anymore
Sooper Bretard: fuck it
AutomaticJesse: im just thinking i wont even be able to replace my "love" interest
Sooper Bretard: i thought that
Sooper Bretard: now it's not about love I don't suppose but more like.. happiness
Sooper Bretard: I'm ready to be happy
Sooper Bretard: and Brandon will never be replaced but set aside because I can't be sad about him anymore
Sooper Bretard: he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. he's doesn't want to share in my happy/sad/angry/ whatever moments in my life.. and that's ok
Sooper Bretard: gaw.. this hurts
Yeah.. well.. Fuck Current Mood: uncomfortable