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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Briana's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, May 28th, 2011
4:50 pm
Oppression
i suppose since Facebook is a destroyer of relationships (on the grounds of mistrust) i will record my thoughts here, where no1 will ever see. :) sounds good so k, here we go...
...???!!! WTF?! relationships are hard, confusing, and cometely unfair. How is it that when i've never given a reason to not be trusted, i still get no trust? I just want to go to work, do my job and come home. I wanna be a responsible adult that cares for her kids and doesnt live paycheck to paycheck but for some reason when i leave the house our happy home life crumbles. My wonderful wife turns into some1 else complelety and i am apparently looking to cheat with a coworker. Ive been there 5 days and already i get attitude and accusations. Ive deactivated facebook bc of a pic situation thats really too riduculously petty to mention. I suppose if i am dedicated only to my wife and kids and home, eliminating every1 and everything else she would be happy with me again.. i just dont know what ive done wrong. I am faithful, loving, and devoted but to have a friend at work, who is a friend ONLY at work is out of the question? im just so confused.

Current Mood: discontent
Sunday, May 1st, 2011
12:18 pm
Stormy days
I woke today, totally alone by the rumble of thunder. Completely amazing cuz i didn't wanna be in that dream anymore. Usually i have this ability to somewhat "control" my dreams, to kinda mold them out to be what i want, so to speak. However, that wasn't working this morning. oh well... Yesterday is over, along with all it's bad vibes, and that is a beautiful thing. I said my piece to the one I'd hurt the most and was ignored. Maybe what i said will at least stop the festering, since obviously the grudge is still apparent... I've got quite a busy day today with dad, but all i wanna do is lie in this bed and listen to the rumble, and count raindrops on my window until i drift back into the comforts of sleep..

Current Mood: content
Saturday, April 30th, 2011
6:58 pm
i was wondering
the other day why none of my childhood friends were a part of my adult life and after reading this, I'm quite aware. I've been a selfish bitch my ENTIRE life. I've disrespected and mistreated almost everyone I've ever let close to me.. i swear, i have changed but i suppose after a decade or so of letting hurt fester, an apology can't quite bridge the gap I've created. By the way i behaved it would seem what i wanted was to be alone. i guess I've gotten what is deserved. No long term lasting, meaningful connections with a single soul other than my children.. So goes life but by God, i swear I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused

Current Mood: guilty
5:48 pm
hi
I'm back Jay.. Funny the passwords you can remember simply by analyzing your daily life from that time period. Anyway, hello

Current Mood: amused
Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
12:00 am
Hello.. Welcome to Life!
AutomaticJesse: i spent all day worrying about something

AutomaticJesse: an undisclosed matter

AutomaticJesse: and i was worrying all day

AutomaticJesse: and i walked outside a while ago to take donny
home and stubbed my toe on a rock in the dark

AutomaticJesse: a big rock

AutomaticJesse: like a decorative rock

AutomaticJesse: and it hit me that worrying about shit will not get you anywhere because you will stub your toe while worrying

Sooper Bretard: i've been worrying for liek months and I feel fucking stuck.. like life is damn rubber cement only i don't get the slippery cum affect. I jsut have dry rubbewr cement stuck to my feeet

AutomaticJesse: i looked at the sky yesterday and felt like a fish in a bowl

Sooper Bretard: i agree

AutomaticJesse: looking out

AutomaticJesse: like an ant in an ant farm

Sooper Bretard: i got stoned and looked at the sun set and realized I was REALLY small and insignificant and no one else in the world cares about me or my problems and I should stop my bitching

Sooper Bretard: but then that made me cry and I felt worse

AutomaticJesse: omggmgmg

AutomaticJesse: i was high as fuck!

AutomaticJesse: thuibnking the same thing

AutomaticJesse: ahhh

AutomaticJesse: :-(

AutomaticJesse: why do we think that

AutomaticJesse: cuz its true?!

Sooper Bretard: yeah

Sooper Bretard: pretty muvh

Sooper Bretard: we are small.. and our place on earth doesn't matter unless we take the time to make it matter bc if someone dies.. who is really gonna be devistated?

Sooper Bretard: say.. Joe Blow dies in san diego, ca.. is Blow Joe in Milwaukee REALLY gonna give a shit unless Joe did something to affect his life?

Sooper Bretard: you know wthat i mean?

AutomaticJesse: yes

Sooper Bretard: i'm so full of shit though

AutomaticJesse: about what

AutomaticJesse: helping people

Sooper Bretard: No.. about all this shit I think about

Sooper Bretard: my mind is so complex and thinks so many things but I'm afraid to tell people cause I think they'll think I'm crazy or not understand me

Sooper Bretard: and I just feel.. weird

Sooper Bretard: i hate it

AutomaticJesse: heh

AutomaticJesse: me too!

AutomaticJesse: yayayay

Sooper Bretard: but I understand you.. mostly

Sooper Bretard: i just feel alone and small

Sooper Bretard: you know?

AutomaticJesse: yes.

Sooper Bretard: i feel like I don't matter... like an organelle in 450lb. man

AutomaticJesse: hmmm

AutomaticJesse: yes!

AutomaticJesse: like a being of random thought and having to live a life consisting of nothing but random important decisions

Sooper Bretard: i dun think you understand

AutomaticJesse: oh i do

AutomaticJesse: you havent a clue

AutomaticJesse: lass

Sooper Bretard: I just feel... useless and Brandon made me feel like I had a purpose

Sooper Bretard: That's another thing!

AutomaticJesse: im very aware of my mortality and utter un-importance

Sooper Bretard: I have all this "love" all bottled up inside of me and no one wants to give me the chance to love them. I can't share anything I do, or say or feel with anyone that will truly appreciate it. I want someone to want me to love them.. I don't even want to be loved in return anymore.. all their hugs and kisses and i love yous can be completely fake and I wouldn't give a shit! I'm ready to take another chance and to fall for osmeone completely dangerous for me. I want someone to want my love.. and to at least nod when I speak to them, and hold me when i cry, even if their actions and words are unsincere

Sooper Bretard: you are important to me jesse!

Sooper Bretard: you've made an impact on my life.. and I thank you for that

AutomaticJesse: really

Sooper Bretard: yes really

AutomaticJesse: i think im just a nerd

AutomaticJesse: what have i done for you?

Sooper Bretard: you've shown me that there ARE nice guys when I had given up.. you showed me the beauty of clearwater beach when someone is just there to hold you in there arms, and you seem as though you listen to me whe nI talk.. that's important to me.. you helped me to care about someone other than myself and best of all.. you've been a friend (even if you won't come see me ;-))

Sooper Bretard: you're a wonderful person

AutomaticJesse: thanks :-[

Sooper Bretard: yw

Sooper Bretard: you prolly think I'm talking out my ass huh?

AutomaticJesse: maybe

AutomaticJesse: not really

AutomaticJesse: i dont knowww

Sooper Bretard: I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to freak you out

AutomaticJesse: its ok sweetheart'

AutomaticJesse: i just dont feel like i do much of anything

AutomaticJesse: so im like ehhh

Sooper Bretard: But you do! You do so much and you don't even try

Sooper Bretard: that's the best part!

Sooper Bretard: you aregenuinely a WONDERFUL person

Sooper Bretard: and I love that about you

Sooper Bretard: you don't have to fake it

Sooper Bretard: and there are no fronts with you

Sooper Bretard: you are jesse.. and that is awesome

AutomaticJesse: im just confused about people in general

Sooper Bretard: see.. i cvonfused myself

Sooper Bretard: maybe I can buy a puppy

AutomaticJesse: and what their actual real drive is

Sooper Bretard: most is money

AutomaticJesse: what on earth is "real"

Sooper Bretard: i think mine is love

AutomaticJesse: its all temporary

Sooper Bretard: what's real... you can't touch it with your hands, or smell it or taste it.. probably not even see it

Sooper Bretard: it's something that's felt with your herat

Sooper Bretard: That's what's real

Sooper Bretard: which is the contrary of what people say is real

AutomaticJesse: humans are supposedly naturally good by nature

Sooper Bretard: but taht's what I think real is

AutomaticJesse: driven by "love"

AutomaticJesse: or what the feeling is

AutomaticJesse: and i know the feeling of holding someone and being like ":-)"

AutomaticJesse: and also ":-\"

AutomaticJesse: if ya catch my drift

Sooper Bretard: humans are good.. most at heart but there are no right or wrong choices just consequences to your decisions

AutomaticJesse: exactly

AutomaticJesse: toimggmgmg

Sooper Bretard: :o)

AutomaticJesse: thats exactly what i was thinking

AutomaticJesse: i think im in a search for a thought that no one has had

Sooper Bretard: I know the feeling of being with someone and feeling :-) :-D :'( and >:o all at the same time

AutomaticJesse: yeah!

Sooper Bretard: and it sucks.. I just wanna feel :-* and :-D with someone

AutomaticJesse: but that love thing is different than normal hugs

AutomaticJesse: and you can tell

AutomaticJesse: its weird

AutomaticJesse: the feeling

Sooper Bretard: i know.. and that's how I knew brandon didn't love me anymore

Sooper Bretard: his hugs and kisses

AutomaticJesse: then to have that person basically crumble your whole life to shit

Sooper Bretard: he used to hold me with his hugs and then all the sudden his hugs were lil pats on the back and his kisses were pecks where they used to be passionate omg so deeply in love kisses

Sooper Bretard: my whole life was shit for about 2 years

Sooper Bretard: and I'm ready to move on now.. In a way I want to be hurt again

Sooper Bretard: as weird as that sounds.. I wanna fall so hard for someone and just take chances

AutomaticJesse: i wanna take a fucking break

Sooper Bretard: i dunno

Sooper Bretard: i had my break

AutomaticJesse: from that stuff

Sooper Bretard: but I know where you're coming from

Sooper Bretard: but I'm so sick of having meaningless sex and being used

Sooper Bretard: I don't wanna be used anymor

Sooper Bretard: e

Sooper Bretard: I want someone to fucking... at least pretend to give a shit

Sooper Bretard: i don't give a shit anymore

Sooper Bretard: fuck it

AutomaticJesse: im just thinking i wont even be able to replace my "love" interest

Sooper Bretard: i thought that

Sooper Bretard: now it's not about love I don't suppose but more like.. happiness

Sooper Bretard: I'm ready to be happy

Sooper Bretard: and Brandon will never be replaced but set aside because I can't be sad about him anymore

Sooper Bretard: he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. he's doesn't want to share in my happy/sad/angry/ whatever moments in my life.. and that's ok

Sooper Bretard: gaw.. this hurts


Yeah.. well.. Fuck

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
1:46 am
Dinner rolls and pink lemonade.. what are YOU doing?!
Thursday, October 24th, 2002
9:41 pm

What Color Eyes Should You Have?

brought to you by Quizilla

HAHA I'm DUMB! I love these quizzes. They are so accurate it's not even funny. Only I wasn't drooling just then.
Monday, October 21st, 2002
6:26 am
I'm a fat ass.. again, still whatever.
So.. I've gained back close to all the weight I lost in like the last week. I'm blaming it on the amount of Mexican I inhaled at like midnight on Saturday. I was seeing little people. I was hallucinating soo bad. :o\ It was scary, but at the same time great. h well.. fudge it. I guess it's back to popping mini thins and drinking nothing but water and juice. Maybe I can just continue to lose weight this time. i have all these 9, 10, and 12 sized clothes. Like 20 pounds or so and they'll fit.. I guess. I don't know. It's like 6:30 in the morning. I'm just trying to kill time before I have to go get Jar-head. I think I'll go now. :o)
Friday, October 18th, 2002
12:04 am
Sexual Quizzes

Aries



What's *Your* Sex Sign?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva


I think these people lost their damn minds.. Cause.. I'm so hot?! Doubtful!

romantic kisser



You Are A Romantic Kisser!


You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.

Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!

One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.



How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Thursday, October 17th, 2002
11:04 pm
...Interesting
So wow holy cow! :o) I got a job! I'm a Target "team member". I work tomorrow and Saturday. My first check is gonna be kinda fat. I bought so many clothes today! My mom gave me $50 and I acquired $22 on my own. I bought a skirt, 3 shirts, a pair of pants, 3 bottles of Faygo, 3 packs of gum, some smelly balls, aome goldfish and a slushee and I still ahve like $3 left! Don't I rock?! AndI didn't even hit goodwill. I bought all that new. I love K*Mart, and Walmart, and Target! Target is great! Especially now that I get a discount! :o) So I'm talking to Jay.. I've never really talked to him before but he seems SO sweet! His girlfriend is a lucky girl :o) So I'm gonna go talk to him more. :o)





P.S ~~~!i!i!i!i!Hi Kali!i!i!i!i!

I wrote in my journal.. Happy now? :o)
Friday, October 11th, 2002
11:31 pm
Holy Shit!
What a perfect ending to a perfectly shitty day! I was taking Serenity back to her mom and some fucking drunk ran into me. They straight backed into me! I almost shit my pants. I had 3 quarts of bud light and sammy and jarrod were high. They had shit on them. It was so horrible. The giant boom scared the shit out of me. There was no damage to my trusty ol ticker toy but I have white Jetta Paint on my bumper. My parking light is broke. Jessica told me to take the bud light into the hotel and then call hte cops.. I was like hell naw! Haha.. Jarrod was so blazed. :o\ Oh well.. I was late for curfew but at least I have a decent reason this time. God love Beacon. I need a cigarette! :o( And I don't even smoke anymore! :o\ Oh well. Until next time.. Super Troopers is on so I'm finna ride! :o) BYES
Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
6:51 pm
I am losing my god damn mind. I can't babysit anymore. Two babies is one too many. Caleb chills by himself.. He's great. We got home today, he walked in the house, walked back to his room, closed to door and proceeded to play all by himself. Now.. This other baby is driving me nuts cause all she does is cry. And when she cries, I pick her up, and whe I pick her up Caleb cries because he's jealous. So it's two crying babies, homework, and I'm dead ass tired. I'm gonna croak in like 4.3 seconds. For now they are both chilling on the couch watching some Hollywood Celebrity diet infomercial thing. I dunno, Caleb is changing the channels. Lifeis grand other than my hair is falling out from stress. :o( Oh well.. Holla atcha lata.
Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
6:00 am
Fluff n Stuff
So it's 6 in the gosh darn morning and I'm listening to a racist asshole talk about jack daniels being his only friends that's never done him wrong. BUT on the flip flop, it's a great song. I've gotten in the shower, done my hair, brushed my teeth, put on my shoes and I'm completely ready but I still have like 13 minutes before I have to leave, 18 if I wanna be right on time. So anywho. My brakes went out this weekend but I'm still drving my car. My daddy is posed to be working on that tonight before he goes to Chicage on Friday. That punk! He's going to Chicago. I absolutely love Chicago. But it's okay. I'll get over it because he only bought a ticket for him and Andy. Fuckface. I'll just go to Clearwater again or something. Maybe I'll go to St. Pete Beach instead. Maybe I'll go to Vero while no one else is there. I don't really know. But I won't be in Chicago.. Ass! :o( So I'm about to make $50 for babysitting on Friday, plus I worked for Lisa from 3 until 8 yesterday. That's 5 h ours at $6 an hour... that's $80. Plus after I get my tire fixed tomorrow by Walmart, I'm going to work more for Lisa but only for like 2 hours. Then, on Thursday and Friday I'll work for her again but that will be on the next paycheck cause she cuts off on Wednesday. Nifty shit.. I can almost smell a cd player and new speakers :oD.. Right after that windshield. Haha.. A few more weeks. But dammit I feel motivated. I'm gonna go to school now though and try desperately to bring up my grades.. or maintain them or soemthing. By all my little "internet buddies" (Nerd Alert!!) LoL

Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, October 1st, 2002
9:21 pm
Busy-ness
I have been so damn busy! Grades are great.. I just finished that damn Ledger editorial. I hate writing those things. Oh well. It's for $200 if I make the cut but I'm outta my mind if I think I'm finna make that. Hmm.. what else? I have these great big bruises on my ass and boobies :o( They kinda hurt.. A LOT. I think I found someone to go to Prom with :oD.. I think I love him lots. Nick tells me to go for it so by God I will. :o) Haha Silliness. I kicked Clay's ass (or so he's gonna tell everyone because he loves me) Yeah right. But anywho.. I dunno what else to say, and it's getting kinda late. So peace n grease my niggas!

Current Mood: horny
Saturday, September 28th, 2002
3:40 pm
...
Been really busy guys sorry. School is going great. 3.4 GPA.. I need to bring up my English grade but other than that, it's 32A's and 2 B's. I have to go now though. Maybe I'll have time to write more later.
Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
10:01 pm
I'm female.. That's how you know I'm a God(ess)
Today was pretty fun stuff... I went and applied for jobs. Publix, some craft store "Tuesday Morning", Staples, Rib Crib, and Beall's. What fun fun. Then, I went to pick Alyssa up at Work Detail. Greg was with her. Then, we went to K*Mart bc they had Lifestyles condoms on sale so we had to get some of that action or something. 3 flavor variety pack.. MmM! We went to Target bc I saw needed a steering wheel cover. They didn't have one I wanted. Then Walmart didn't have one I wanted.. and in the way of air freshners, all they had was those leaf things. I wasn't feeling a leaf! But you know. So we went to Discount Auto Parts. Discount my patoot! Oh well though. I got a steering wheel cover for 99 cents. That was pimp.. So then I could afford to spare the extra penny to get the air freshner I wanted. It smells awesome. MmM Yummy. Then, we went to the mall and tried on Homecoming dresses. I felt like a retard in a lot of the dresses. I found one I like, but it should be blue, and a size smaller. I couldn't find one smaller but it's okay. The lady said I looked hott, and it wouldn't be that much to have the sides taken in. I think I'll look around for a little while. I don't even want to go if I don't have a date, and I'm kinda ugly so a date is a little out of question. Oh well. I have community service this weekend. I think it might actually be kind of fun. I earned an hour today by just watching a 10 minute instruction video. :o) Awesome. But it's getting late, and I have to call to check on my Caleb. He's sick my mom said. Oh yeah! She bitched at me today for never being home. Would you want to come home if the second you walked in the door, someone started yelling in your face about dishes, and gas, and a job? No, hell no! She's always like, "you need to get a job" and then today she yelled at me cause I went to look for one. She's enough to make someone stay intoxicated.
Monday, September 16th, 2002
4:18 pm
Boredom..
So I'm chillin at "work".. waiting for Lisa to get here so I can begin. She said at 2:30 that she would be here in about 30 minutes. Oh well.. I checked my mails. I finished all my homework though. Good thing I have NO idea what the hell I was doing. :o\ Coach Vaughn checks for completion though :-D Haha.. No I'm trying to listen to this techno station, cause Jarrod's computer actual plays internet radio. Oh well though. I realized I like Dj Baby Anne. I didn't used to like Paul Oakenfold but he's pretty good. I found a way to seriosuly ghetto out my car. :o\ Haha We're gonna get batteries and put his "boom box" in my car so we can listen to cds! HAHA That is so fucking ghetto, but it's clever. Oh well.. It's about time for me to hit the couch. :o) Naps are awesome. Bye Ya'll
Sunday, September 15th, 2002
5:03 pm
I loathe people...
So.. I got my car fixed yesterday. That was a lot of fun. I went all the way to Tampa for about 10 minutes. I almost died o the way there. Earl has no tread on his tires and it was raining cause of that hurricane so we slid all over the road. The trailer was sliding. It was insane. I started thinking about all the people that would miss me other than my mom, dad, and Caleb.. And I could come up with about 3. Not that I'm upset because I think I'm a loser.. I know I'm a loser, but I'm a bitch. I saw Apple at the mall and I smiled at her, but she just kinda looked the other way. To think, we were best friends 2 weeks ago. :o\ We both said some things that kind of hurt, and we're both too stubborn to swallow our pride so I suppose this is the way it will be forever. I have a lot of thoughts to collect. And I've come to the conclusion that when there is no one else there, no one that I can talk to, or I'm mena to soo many people that no one wants to be my friend, I find myself thinking about Brandon. I actually missed him this weekend. I haven't talked to him in so long. I don't care though. Just another coin in the ol' spank bank I suppose. :o( I'm really sad today, and I thought shopping might cheer me up but then I realised I'm poor and I have no money. That depressed me more. Oh well.

Current Mood: crushed
Friday, September 13th, 2002
3:52 pm
It's Friday.. You ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do!
Id on't have a car to get me any damn where. But I came home today, and I cleaned my room, my bed is made for once in my entire life, the dishwasher is empty, the garbage is taken out, and I cleaned my bathroom without having to be told! Jesus Christ I think hell froze over! OMG and I did my homework on a Friday afternoon when I usually am sleeping.. Can you figure out what I want? Hmm.. The Accord! I wanna take out my mom's car. Think she'll go for it? Let's hope. I have a gut feeling that says she won't. That's her baby. She wouldn't even let me drive it with her in the car but once. :o\ Pray for me! I also have excellent grades on my interim report. I filled out my club draft papers for Key Club and all my teachers wrote all this awesome shit about me. I hope I get in. That would be 3 clubs, all which look terriffic on a college application. I also signed up to take the college placement test. If I do really well on that then I have to option to skip the rest of this year, and my junior year and go straight to PCC. I kinda think that would be cool. Highschool is awesome and everything but I'm kinda wanting to start a real life. I already have Caleb and it would be so nice to kinda get a head start on everything else. Oh well.. dreams and aspirations. I think I'll go clean something else now. Bye guys!
Thursday, September 12th, 2002
7:35 pm
Homework
So I cleaned my Nana's house today.. I was posed to get a lot of money but instead she gave me $10! Hmm that's enough to pay the cell phone bill.. Lemme tell ya. Oh well though. I'm trying to research my project, but I keep going in like 4 different directions, and I've made like 3 visuals. I love it. Hmm.. Maybe I'll just use them all. I don't know. I have to research hot dogs now.
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